Our first time outside of the city as a family!..

From Suffering to Glory

Many of you know the hardships my family and I have suffered over these past couple weeks. For those of you who don’t let me explain…

My husband went away to the states for about a week at the end of February. While he was away I miscarried and lost another baby. This is our third miscarriage in the last couple of years and this time it was very different. For the sake of not being too graphic, I will simply tell it. My body began having signs of miscarriage for a couple of days. I went into the hospital to have an ultrasound done and to look at the baby. I was supposed to be 11 weeks along (almost over the threshold of danger for miscarriage). When they examined the baby, it was only registering about 6 weeks along. The baby had basically died at 6 weeks and I had been carrying it around with no signs of miscarriage for 5 weeks.

I went home knowing my body would most likely miscarry on it’s own since there were signs it was starting the process. My other two miscarriages had been physically painless so this is what I believed would happen with this one as well. I was wrong.

On the 20^th of February in the evening I began to bleed. Within about a half hour I began to bleed heavily. Again for the sake of not being too graphic, I ended up calling the ambulance with the urgent advice of Mark and Lizzie. I was taken in and hooked up to IV’s and oxygen and it was a very scary time. My husband was not with me and I was scared and shaken and completely heartbroken. The doctor removed the sac and the baby and the bleeding slowed. I lost a large amount of blood and there were a few times where I felt like I was not going to make it through.

I stayed overnight in the hospital alone. I was released in the morning after signing a release form and an additional form stating they needed to examine the baby and for my permission to allow the hospital to cremate my child. I left the hospital alone. I stepped outside and there was no one to greet me. I walked to the bus stop and rode it home. I held back tears as the rest of the world went on. How happy I was to be home again with my children and see their precious faces. But how difficult to try and be strong for them and to get up and be a mum to them. It was so hard to continue to take care of them and feed them and play with them when all I wanted was to crawl into bed and cry. All I can say is that God literally held me together and gave me the strength to go on.

My husband returned the next day and how good it was to see his face. I broke. I could no longer hold it together. I could no longer be strong. I went through a time of utter darkness and was in complete shambles. I felt like I could not go on. I could not continue with this pain and suffering. I felt I was going to die of heartbreak. I cried and cried to the Lord repeatedly telling Him I could not do this, that I could not handle this, that I needed Him to take me home. And here is what our beautiful Jesus has shown me. I hope it makes sense to you all as I try to write it down. I will do my best…

It is all summed up in Romans 8. Mainly 8:18-30…

18For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 19For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. 20For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope 21that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. 23And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

26Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. 28And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. 29For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

These are the beautiful words that are my comfort through this time in my suffering. To know that glory awaits. That these afflictions, this miscarriage, me losing my third child in such a horrible and lonely way is not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. I am in complete awe of this. If I could take all my pain and all my heartbreak that is so hard and seems as if it is going to swallow me up and put that in comparison with the glory that awaits and to be able to say it doesn’t even compare is so amazing to me. It is something I cannot wrap my mind around, but oh how I hold fast to that. How I have clung tight to these truths. How I wait for the redemption of my body. The hope that I have for the revealing of Jesus Christ. To one day know that I will stand before my precious Lord and Saviour. I am so thankful beyond words that my Jesus doesn’t let these situations go unseen, but that He has given us His word that says that losing a child is incomparable to the things to come. And when I have nothing to pray because my words fall short or my heart is so broken I cannot think another thing, that the Holy Spirit intercedes for me. Oh how I wait for the glory that awaits. How I wait for heaven. How I wait for the pain and suffering in this life to end. But the joy in it to know that Jesus was a man that suffered and sorrowed. That he understands the pains that we go through. That God Himself lost His son. That I can partake in the sufferings. That I can suffer and praise His name. That I can take joy in my salvation. That I have been given the grace to praise our Saviour through it. That Jesus is so close to the broken hearted. That we have a Father in heaven that will never leave us nor forsake us. That neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord!

The comfort that Jesus has given me through this time of pain has been so real and so sweet. Knowing He knows my thoughts. He knows my pain. He sees my heartbreak and my struggles. He sees my tears.

All I can do and all I can say is only by the wonderful grace of God. That this life is so hard. That this life can be so painful. That there are moments and days and weeks where we feel like we want to give up, but that Jesus Christ is our everything. That though many times I do not give the glory due to His name, that I can say that Jesus is perfect and beautiful. That He is sovereign and holy. That He is worthy of all praise. That He is my strength and my refuge and all glory and honour is His.